Self-Compassion and Living Well with ADHD
Often with ADHD, we feel like we cannot give ourselves an inch. It feels like we are barely holding things together as it is, or like we are already letting too much slide. Being kind to ourselves, or accepting our ADHD, can feel like making excuses. It can feel like everything will fall apart if we loosen our grip.
This is how many of us end up with a deeply negative relationship with our goals.
At its worst, we can become our own verbal abusers. It is also how ADHDers end up forcing themselves into neurotypical solutions that do not fit and do not last.
Meeting Difficulty with Compassion Is Key for Change
Think of a child who is not turning in their homework. If you yell, criticize, and tell them to “get it together” because it should not be that hard, a few things might happen:
They might comply temporarily out of fear. It will not last.
They might shut down and stop trying altogether.
They almost certainly will not feel good about themselves.
And no one gets to the root of the problem.
Now imagine saying instead:
“Hey, it seems like remembering to turn in your homework is really hard for you.
Can you help me understand what is making it so difficult, and then we can try to brainstorm together what might make it easier?”
You are far more likely to find a solution that actually works for that child. So why on earth do we think option A is going to work better for us as adults?
Yes, I am telling you to be a gentle parent to yourself. In other words, if something is difficult for you, it just IS difficult for you. Telling yourself it shouldn’t be is taking a big step away from any solutions.
We all deserve a kind voice in our heads that acknowledges how we feel.
But if that does not feel motivating yet, or if you are not at the point where you feel you “deserve” that kindness, then do it for a more practical reason:
Because it is what actually works.
Where Acceptance Comes In
Acceptance is not about giving up on change.
It is about starting from an accurate understanding of how your brain actually works, so that the solutions you try have a chance of working.
Example: Time and the ADHD Nervous System
ADHDers have a weird relationship with time. We just do.
This does not mean we do not owe the people in our lives the effort to be on time. But it does mean that time does not naturally behave for us the way it does for others. Some days we can do 20 minutes of getting ready in 5 minutes because we are excited or it is an emergency.
Other days that same 20 minutes of tasks somehow takes an hour. The number of things I can accomplish in the 5 minutes between client sessions, and still arrive on time with brakes squealing, continues to baffle me.
You can beat yourself up and let this slowly shred your self-esteem. Or you can say to yourself:
“Okay. This is harder for me than for the average person.
That just is. That is not a moral failing.”
And then you can get into problem-solving mode. And guess where ADHDers really thrive when we are emotionally regulated?
Problem solving.
In order to avoid turning this into a whole article about time management (because wow is that a big topic), here is a link to a helpful article from ADDitude magazine to get your creative solutions mode brain firing:
https://www.additudemag.com/time-management-skills-adhd-brain/
Sensory Check-In
Most neurodivergent individuals have sensory “stuff” to contend with. Often they do not even realize it is sensory, because they are too busy calling themselves “lazy” or “gross” for not showering or doing the dishes, for example, to get to the root of the issue.
Any discussion of meeting your ADHD brain where it is at would be incomplete without considering how your sensory profile fits in. If you are having trouble doing something, especially something you consistently struggle with, one of the first questions I recommend asking is:
“What do I not like about this task from a sensory standpoint?”
The answer will almost always give you clues for some workable solutions. For example, I love showering. I hate washing my hair. What I actually hate is:
Detangling my hair before the shower. I have a lot of curly hair, it hurts, and it is boring.
The feeling of the back of my shirt getting wet when my hair takes 3 hours to dry.
Once I identified those pieces, the solutions were straightforward:
I splurged slightly on a better brush and super-soft microfiber hair turbans with a button so they actually stay on and keep my clothes dry. Washing my hair began to inspire much less dread.
I have had clients realize:
They hate minty toothpaste and do much better with kids’ toothpaste.
They prefer a long-handled dish brush to touching a wet sponge and soggy food (honestly who doesn’t?).
Their entire laundry room feels repellent to them and needs to be made more tolerable. An extra light source or a bit of tidying and suddenly it triggers less avoidance.
When a task presents sensory “icks,” there is often a full-body “no” from the nervous system that we mistakenly treat as a cognitive “no.” Instead of telling yourself to “suck it up,” you can say:
“This is genuinely hard for my nervous system.
What could make this even 20 percent easier?”
At worst, it is morally neutral to make tasks more tolerable. At best, it is the difference between a task you avoid and a system you can actually use.
Self-Compassion Is a Tool for Change, Not Just Comfort
When it comes to self-compassion, it is deep work. It is a lifelong practice, not a switch you can just decide to flip on. Self-compassion means extending the same kindness and curiosity to yourself that you would naturally offer to someone else. In fact, giving yourself that self-compassion even increases your capacity to extend empathy to others, so it is a win-win.
Many consider Kristin Neff’s work the starting point in this area. I highly recommend checking out the many podcasts on which she has been a guest, her books, and workbooks to support this work.
Her framework includes three parts:
Responding to yourself with kindness
Practicing mindfulness with what you are experiencing
Connecting with common humanity
Let’s use a common ADHD experiences to flesh this out:
Imagine the last time you were completely stuck.You had things to do, or even wanted to enjoy yourself more intentionally, but you could not get off the bed or couch and you maybe could not pull yourself away from a screen. The self-critical response is to assume something is wrong with you. But ask yourself:
Are you stuck because you want to be?
Because you are enjoying it?
Probably not. This is a moment to start with kindness. It is going to feel weird talking to yourself this way at first and that is okay. You might say:
“I am so sorry you are struggling to get moving.
I notice how discouraging this feels.
That is an awful feeling.”
Then mindfulness. Be curious about what is going on:
“I remembered one too many things I needed to do and it felt like my brain was short circuiting.
I feel like I am moving through sludge and my limbs weigh a thousand pounds.”
And then common humanity.
Think of every other person, right now, who is also stuck (or maybe ashamed about a mistake, embarrassed about something they said, or frustrated with themselves).
I like to imagine golden threads of light connecting me to a sisterhood of people I’ve never even met who know this feeling well. When I do this, I can feel my shoulders drop and the heaviness begin to move out of my body.
At a minimum, this changes how you are talking to yourself. Often it also allows you to identify how to shift into action or maybe just realize what kind of gentle care you need in that moment (i.e. “Clearly I am not in productive mode right now. But I think I would feel better if I took a walk and listened to music instead of staring at this screen.”)
Final Thoughts: Why This Actually Leads to Better Solutions
Self-compassion and ADHD acceptance are not just about feeling better, although feeling better is a real and meaningful benefit. They are about something even more practical.
When you are harsh with yourself, you narrow your thinking.
When you feel ashamed, you default to forcing strategies that are familiar, even when they do not work.
When you are dysregulated, your brain is not in problem-solving mode.
Acceptance does something different. It gives you accurate data about how your brain works.
Self-compassion keeps your nervous system regulated enough to stay curious.
And curiosity is what allows you to find solutions that actually fit you.
This is how you build strategies that stick AND feel good.